The Surrealistic Job Hunt

I'm an IT Business Analyst. I help design document test and manage projects to support a business and (hopefully) allow end users to be more productive.

I haven't worked since last October when my company wasn't paid by a larger company and my company had to lay off some really really good people. Like me.

1. A Friend Tries to Help

While in the hospital on a Friday, I get a phone call from a body shop (recruiting agency) asking me to call right back. Seems a close friend set me up for a 60 day temp job with a great rate (for Business Analysts right now anything over $25 is a good rate). My friend knows I'm looking so I can interview and make up the time as I'm able (if I'm able).

I leave a message at around 5:10.

Now, I've only talked to the Body Shop. But my friend's name is a magic phrase. So I pretend I know exactly what's going on. As my wife I'm really good at this- especially with people who don't know me. I was in the hospital talking to a doctor about ten years ago when she came into the room and started laughing. The doctor asked her was was so funny "He doesn't understand a single thing you said Doctor." She was right. But the drugs were really good.

Anyway, as Body Shop Lady requests, I call my friend. My friend tells me about the gig and it should be a lot of fun, but there won't be any long term possibilities. No problem. Some cash is better than no cash. I wait in the hospital with the doc swearing up and down he'll be there by 8:30 to check me out by 9am.

Who was I kidding?

Monday. The body shop as you'd expect calls an hour and a half early. I've got the job (like there was any doubt on this one? My friend was hiring. One problem, Scot our servers are down right now so I can't e-mail the forms. No problem- when you can get them to me will be fine.

Just as I'm leaving the hospital the Body Shop Lady calls again. She's going home so she can e-mail me the forms. Thank you very much, I appreciate the trouble you're going to for this....but I could simply stop in and see you today or tomorrow- you're only about 15 minutes from my house. No problem Scot, I had to go home anyway- the servers are still down. I begin to think that maybe something's going on since these servers directly impact the business. Well it's not my problem.

And it wasn't until I got home.

The Body Shop Lady calls again

Seems my friend read the Body Shop's account manager (he or she is the one that hands out ID Badge belt-holders and tee shirts) the Riot Act and we're sorry Scot but you lost the job. Big Company hired someone else.

WTF?

I call my friend- ask her if it's OK to talk. She says yes. Seems the Body Shop had to get my stuff into the Big Company System on Friday or I wouldn't get the gig. The Body Shop was told exactly how and when and why they were doing it. And the Account Manager blew it because my friend's colleague was getting her person in the job and my friend did not get me in.

Understand that the Body Shop would be making $15-20 for doing one thing correctly. This would total, conservatively, around $5,0000 for getting simple paperwork into a system on time. Needless to say, my friend will never ever use these idiots again.

I am remembering something.

My friend used this body shop several years ago when she hired me for a longer term contract gig. The Body Shop jeopardized my contract at the beginning of that contract, too...and didn't do squat when the contract ended. I am not impressed with them.

Music Practice is Wednesday. My friend is our mandolin player, harmony and torch song singer. I can wait to hear the whole story then. Really wanted that cash though. Oh well.


2. The Firm

I had two interviews with a large firm. The first one was with the HR Manager- very smart woman- she set up the second interview third week of June. The group interview went very well I thought. In fact, I heard from unnamed sources that I would make the final interview with the IT team.

The HR Manager called this morning and left a message about 'feedback.'

This is the new 21rst Century Newspeak (thank you Eric/George Orwell) code word for 'you're not getting the job and this is the most polite and non-threatening way we can tell you without you suing us, you old fart, you.'

Yuh see, friends and neighbors, 13 years ago I moved into a protected class of workers: Old Farts. I was a young Old Fart back then- 40 years old and my body only starting to turn to sh...er...ah...crap. It never made any difference to me, but Mandatory Retirement and excessive cost cutting of the most expensive (read: valuable) workers forced Congressional hands a few years back. Essentially, this is what The Chicago Lakeview IT Boutique Development firm that doesn'tknowwhatitdoesorhowitdoesit did when it dumped two BAs (including yours truly), an IA, a developer and a receptionist to cut costs (dumping all the work on three Project Managers) when it lost two major contracts.

I had been waving red flags on one of the contracts for about six months- but the company left a sales person (and a really good sales person, but a really bad PM who never understood the methods we were using)as the project manager. This forced Your Author to assume those duties without any authority. This resulted in my first visit to Edward Hospital for arterial fibrillation (OK a gazillion pounds overweight and not watching my blood sugars had a little bit to do with it). Ultimately a good thing- dropped 60 pounds eliminated sleep apnea and controls the a-fib for about a year. But I also had to start working the first day home from the three week hospital stay- at least it was working from home.

I was counting on the firm- everyone was cool, smart and focused. And I figured the money would be close to right. And I'd be creating the BA consultancy (for which I have some experience).

Scot, the HR Manager told me while I was in Dunkin' Donuts feeding my youngest with the most unhealthy dreck imaginable, the team loved you. I loved you, Your references were so complimentary we thought you walked on water, gave out free bread and fishes (OK, I'm exaggerating... but it's still funny). We had a great fit. (here it comes:) But we had another applicant with firm experience- not required, but very helpful. We decided to go in that direction.

(click)
(BOOM!)

However, she continued, we have another role called a PMO Analyst.

For the unwashed multitudes...and trust me...I had no idea what this meant either until I worked at SBC a/k/a A.T.&T for a month- a PMO is a Project Management Office.

It sends out little automatons with the words Project Manager, Business Analyst or Information Architect on their windbreakers (like FBI, Security, ATF, etc.).

These people know the hoops (or 'gates') each project has to go through to get a. funded b. completed and c. connected to the all mighty network. I know this stuff because I am a Six Sigma Green Belt as well as an ISO-9002 Certified Auditor (You can too- the Six Sigma Thing is cool but an ISO-9000 Auditor? 4-6 hours of training and you get an 8 1/2 x 11 suitable for framing certificate and still another line on your resume). And I know what T-L-A means (ready? it means Three Letter Abbreviation, I tell yuh anyone can do my job).

One of my former Project Managers told me recently that he's very impressed how well I kept my cool when some 20 or 30 something without a clue opens his or her mouth to confirm what we thought before: Simple muscle twitches- brain is dead.

I told him it's easy. You keep saying to yourself: "the checks don't bounce, the checks don't bounce" while they're talking. Then you simply smile and nod and say- that's a great idea and we can do that for you...but maybe you might want to run the numbers again. Our current development team has features and fixes the teams wanted done for the next 87 or 88 years. Now, I can work up some strategies for you that will close this project before the Second Coming but it'll cost you a lot more since we'd have to quadruple the Development Team. Your Call.

And because I spent 12 years at Motorola one summer as a Technical Writer, I know exactly what will happen, but THEY make the decision and I just run around like a dog chasing her tail.

* In a large organization, a PMO allegedly standardizes IT processes, provides Project Managers, Business Analysts and others into projects even the business team can't describe. These people know the 'methodology' and gates (a/k/a M-Gates at Motorola since it invented the term). Between you, me and the fence post, It takes about ten minutes to explain it, so this isn't rocket science.
* In a small organization-a PMO is typically a couple of Word Doc reports sitting on a network share or on a wiki which hasn't been touched for at least 11 months. It may also include several organization charts (Revealed Technical Secrete: at least two charts have to be in color, otherwise a manager doesn't know how to read it. Seriously. I know this because I used to be a Technical Writer) and somebody screaming 'We've got to get organized so we can replicate the one good project we did in ought two!' The PMs, BAs and IAs pretty much do whatever the team needs. In the world of consulting, we call this the 'Agile Method.'

Gosh, I'm a clever writer.

Anyway.

There's no such thing as a 'PMO Analyst,' so I'm thinking it's a BA that works out of the PMO. Like a snowplow works out of the Township Garage. Like the skirted robots at Allstate or the black shirts at SBC or the mostly batshit crazy people from a St. Charles-based 'marketing' firm who are really Project or Program Managers but don't get the money the title would dictate.

I asked a coupla of quick questions and it turns out, I'm right.

Let me let you in on another secret. I have an 85% to 95% accuracy rating on my guesses. This is the real reason I used to make a lot of money and why I'm having trouble finding another job (I mean other than the Age thing).

I'm not smart and Peggy (my wife the developer) runs circles around me technically.

I just guess really well.

I've built two entire careers on this quirk: radio news and technical writing/business analysis. Don't tell anyone.

The HR Manager expects the gig to be approved in a week or two...and she wants to make sure the money's good. She really wants me to work for them. And I really want to work for them.

OK, let's be honest. I wanna work for anyone.

So it would be cool if it happens but I'm not waiting to see- back to the job boards.

OK rant over and hiding behind humor/satire is over. Have a nice weekend.